Must be fate that this happened to me today, so soon after posting about breastfeeding. (Warning, this is another breastfeeding post and there may be others to follow. They will probably appear long and self-pitying, but I will try to keep them slightly positive and humourous, too.)
We went to Jim's parents tonight. A great aunt had passed away and various family members were up. It had reached that point of the visit where men gather together and women gather together. You know that spot? I used to enjoy being the sole woman in the men's crowd, but having children seems to have magnetically pulled me over to the women's crowd.
So, 4 women gathered on the couches. Me, Jean (my mother-in-law), Jim's aunt Laura and his cousin Maritza. We are talking about labour and babies and inevitably the conversation rolls around to breastfeeding.
Jim's aunt Laura is the first one to say that she had tonnes of milk, but her babies wouldn't latch. She tells of how full she got, all under her arms, and how the had to bind her to help the production stop.
Then Jean and Maritza go on joyfully about how full they used to get and would soak the beds at night; how even thinking about the baby would soak their shirts. Later on, they talk about how it's so much easier to breastfeed, especially at night, where you can just offer the breast and then go back to bed instead of getting up to make a bottle.
And I sat there, nodding my head and smiling. Why? Because I didn't know what else to do. I feel so unlike a woman and mother whenever this happens. Horribly and completely inadequate. It took a lot for me to not get visibly upset at this point and while I know Laura and Maritza had no clue, it bothered me that Jean would continue to go on about this when she knows that I've had issues with both children -- they're her grandchildren, for pete's sakes! And then, after all this talk, I have to pull out a bottle to feed Lex and God knows what's going through all their heads.
Anyways, that's basically it. Another demoralizing event -- I just want to get away from this for a while, but I can't. How can I heal from something that knocks me down every day?
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Friday, May 8, 2009
My creepy pumpkin seedling
Jim and I are displaced country bumpkins. For 10+ years, we've been cooped up in apartments, unable to get our hands in the soil. Last year, we finally moved to a house but too late to really get started on the gardens. So this year we're going a little crazy.
Jim is building raised flowerbeds for our backyard and I am plotting veggies and flowers for them. We have also just planted currants and raspberries alongside our fence, joining the blackberry bush that looks like it has been there for years.
I have started some of the seeds inside and can't believe how quickly some of the have come up!
Before:
In a week:
And now today:
Notice the seedling that's curving around the tray, looking like a snake about to devour the other seedlings? That's my creepy pumpkin seedling. I keep the tray in a darker area, and for some reason this guy felt the need to creep halfway across the tray and reach for some light. I have no idea why - his buddies seemed just fine with the conditions. Creepy, I tell ya.
Jim is building raised flowerbeds for our backyard and I am plotting veggies and flowers for them. We have also just planted currants and raspberries alongside our fence, joining the blackberry bush that looks like it has been there for years.
I have started some of the seeds inside and can't believe how quickly some of the have come up!
Before:
In a week:
And now today:
Notice the seedling that's curving around the tray, looking like a snake about to devour the other seedlings? That's my creepy pumpkin seedling. I keep the tray in a darker area, and for some reason this guy felt the need to creep halfway across the tray and reach for some light. I have no idea why - his buddies seemed just fine with the conditions. Creepy, I tell ya.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
My biggest love/hate relationship
If there's one thing that I feel hugely conflicted on, it's breastfeeding.
As I mentioned earlier, I was anxious about how this would turn out this time and it was a big part in wanting a home birth. I wanted to be sure to reduce interventions that might negatively impact my supply. When Tommy was born, there were many interventions leading to a c-section and the theories out there are that that could also lead to a lower supply. Unfortunately, this wasn't true in my case. I think my supply this time is about the same as last - piteously low.
I have a condition called insufficient glandular tissue, which means that there just isn't enough mammary tissue developed to make enough milk for baby. When Lex was born, we monitored his weight carefully and I tried all sorts of things to help increase my supply: domperidone, fenugreek, alfalfa, brewer's yeast, flaxseed oil, tinctures that included blessed thistle, goat's rue, nettle, anise. At one point I was taking 40+ pills/day, plus tincture, to try to get enough of a supply.
We made it to about 2 months nursing exclusively and he just wasn't gaining. He wasn't pooping enough, either (oh, how your life gets to be about the most basic things). With Tommy, we had to go back to the hospital when he was 5 days old b/c he was jaundiced, due to this. At least with Lex, we didn't have to do that. But a baby's got to eat, right? Or drink, that is.
I'm proud of myself that I didn't fall all apart this time like I did with Tommy. You see, with Tommy, I had no idea that this would happen. I read about everything I could and knew about correct latching, mastitis, thrush, nursing strikes, etc., etc., etc. But supply? Not on my radar, at all. According to everything I read, most women only "thought" they had supply issues, but in reality, they just had to nurse more and the breasts would respond to make more milk. Oh, there are cases of true supply issues, but those are in the minority.
How that thinking haunts me is hard to describe. I feel like a cat, hair standing on every end, as soon as I start to read anything resembling that. It is so different to actually be in the minority and hear those words than the other way around. And this is the bad minority to be in. This is the minority where what you feed your child is now termed artificial baby milk. What a lovely reminder that how you are caring for your child is not how it's supposed to be. As if you can pour your entire heart and soul into it, but it's still not real enough to pass someone else's standards.
And these standards also need to continually shout, Breast is BEST, your child will be smarter, thinner, better developed, know he's loved if you breastfeed! Hallelujah, praise the almighty breast, which makes women mothers and children perfect. Without it, those titles cannot be conferred.
Maybe I'm exaggerating a little, but this is how it feels when you live with something you can't do in the midst of a militant campaign of what you should do. And when you say to these people, "Hey, you know you're making me feel really awful for how I'm feeding my child, really guilty for all of these horrible things that he might become, really sad for not being able to bond the way you say we should," the response? We're merely passing on information; how else would you have us say it? Your guilt is just a social construct and something that you need to manage. It has nothing to do with us. Yes, I know. Yet one more way that I'm failing my baby.
And so I hate it. I hate the evangelical passion that these people put behind it and the feelings that they evoke in me. But I love it. I do love nursing my Lexy-loo, which we still do, despite the fact that we also share a bottle. And I support breastfeedsing- it is the natural thing to do. And I support anyone who wants to do it. But what I cannot support are these Breast Baptists and their fire-and-brimstone attitudes and rhetoric, meant to influence the majority, and fuck you to those who don't fit the mould. Fuck your emotions, fuck your opinions and fuck your mothering. It's not worth our time to split a hair for you or your baby. We have far too many converts waiting in the wings. You're too far gone, there's no point in helping you.
Will somebody please make all of this crap go away?
As I mentioned earlier, I was anxious about how this would turn out this time and it was a big part in wanting a home birth. I wanted to be sure to reduce interventions that might negatively impact my supply. When Tommy was born, there were many interventions leading to a c-section and the theories out there are that that could also lead to a lower supply. Unfortunately, this wasn't true in my case. I think my supply this time is about the same as last - piteously low.
I have a condition called insufficient glandular tissue, which means that there just isn't enough mammary tissue developed to make enough milk for baby. When Lex was born, we monitored his weight carefully and I tried all sorts of things to help increase my supply: domperidone, fenugreek, alfalfa, brewer's yeast, flaxseed oil, tinctures that included blessed thistle, goat's rue, nettle, anise. At one point I was taking 40+ pills/day, plus tincture, to try to get enough of a supply.
We made it to about 2 months nursing exclusively and he just wasn't gaining. He wasn't pooping enough, either (oh, how your life gets to be about the most basic things). With Tommy, we had to go back to the hospital when he was 5 days old b/c he was jaundiced, due to this. At least with Lex, we didn't have to do that. But a baby's got to eat, right? Or drink, that is.
I'm proud of myself that I didn't fall all apart this time like I did with Tommy. You see, with Tommy, I had no idea that this would happen. I read about everything I could and knew about correct latching, mastitis, thrush, nursing strikes, etc., etc., etc. But supply? Not on my radar, at all. According to everything I read, most women only "thought" they had supply issues, but in reality, they just had to nurse more and the breasts would respond to make more milk. Oh, there are cases of true supply issues, but those are in the minority.
How that thinking haunts me is hard to describe. I feel like a cat, hair standing on every end, as soon as I start to read anything resembling that. It is so different to actually be in the minority and hear those words than the other way around. And this is the bad minority to be in. This is the minority where what you feed your child is now termed artificial baby milk. What a lovely reminder that how you are caring for your child is not how it's supposed to be. As if you can pour your entire heart and soul into it, but it's still not real enough to pass someone else's standards.
And these standards also need to continually shout, Breast is BEST, your child will be smarter, thinner, better developed, know he's loved if you breastfeed! Hallelujah, praise the almighty breast, which makes women mothers and children perfect. Without it, those titles cannot be conferred.
Maybe I'm exaggerating a little, but this is how it feels when you live with something you can't do in the midst of a militant campaign of what you should do. And when you say to these people, "Hey, you know you're making me feel really awful for how I'm feeding my child, really guilty for all of these horrible things that he might become, really sad for not being able to bond the way you say we should," the response? We're merely passing on information; how else would you have us say it? Your guilt is just a social construct and something that you need to manage. It has nothing to do with us. Yes, I know. Yet one more way that I'm failing my baby.
And so I hate it. I hate the evangelical passion that these people put behind it and the feelings that they evoke in me. But I love it. I do love nursing my Lexy-loo, which we still do, despite the fact that we also share a bottle. And I support breastfeedsing- it is the natural thing to do. And I support anyone who wants to do it. But what I cannot support are these Breast Baptists and their fire-and-brimstone attitudes and rhetoric, meant to influence the majority, and fuck you to those who don't fit the mould. Fuck your emotions, fuck your opinions and fuck your mothering. It's not worth our time to split a hair for you or your baby. We have far too many converts waiting in the wings. You're too far gone, there's no point in helping you.
Will somebody please make all of this crap go away?
Sunday, May 3, 2009
I am here. Present! (My HBAC)
I am back. It has been a while.
We have a new member of the family. Here is how he arrived, his birth story, which I wrote the same day he arrived in this world.
Alexander’s Arrival
I had just finished my last full week at work, and Jim and Tommy had both finished recuperating from the flu on Friday night. After I arrived home, I had a good nap, woke up, hung out with Jim for a while (Tommy had already gone to bed) and then went to have a relaxing bath at around midnight.
Finally ended up in bed at around 1:00 a.m., Sat, Jan 17. At about 2:30 a.m., I poked Jim and told him to get a towel, as it felt like my waters were about to break. I had felt a little bit of a trickle, but couldn’t be sure if it was just excessive fluid or not.
We got up, went to the bathroom and determined that yup, my waters were breaking. Not gushing, but definitely breaking. Called our doula & m/w to give them the head’s-up. There weren’t any contractions and if this birth experience was anything like Tommy’s, they likely wouldn’t start for a few hours. On m/w’s instructions, headed back to bed to try to get a few more hours of precious sleep.
We laid down and I noticed a few short, light contractions beginning. Told Jim that I was going to squeeze his hand so we both would know what was going on as far as regularity & intensity. This went on fine for 10 or 15 minutes, then all of a sudden the contractions really started to intensify and I couldn’t stay in bed anymore.
Got out of bed and tried a bunch of different things, but standing was really all that was getting me through them at this point. Called both our doula and m/w again at around 3:15 a.m. M/w said she would be there in around 45 minutes and okayed my request to run a bath to try to help with the pain. We had actually been scheduled to pick up a birth pool later on that day, so thought that at least some form of water might help. But nope, there was naught to be done…as soon as I was off my feet, things were much harder.
So back on my feet I went. I found that leaning on a long dresser in the bedroom helped. I was having some trouble breathing through the contractions at this point. They were intense and extremely close together, so whenever I managed to get through one, I could take one or two breaths as it was subsiding and then the next would hit. So I started some crazy vocalizations, just low to med Oh’ing and Ah’ing. This helped with the breathing and also was a good cue for Jim to know when things were starting and ending.
At 4:10 a.m., the m/w arrived. She saw right away that things were far along and reminded me about the breathing. Checked fetal heart rate, which was good. Tried to get me to lie down for a quick check to see how far I was, but I refused, so she checked me standing up. It was about at this point that I started saying that the baby was coming and going to be here soon. She said she couldn’t feel the front of the cervix at all, but wasn’t sure about the back, so was calling it at about 7 c.m. Suggested that I try sitting on the toilet to get the back of the cervix out of the way, so I headed there while she called the student m/w and backup and told them to get here fast.
As soon as I sat on the toilet, I had one contraction that ended with an involuntary push. She quickly got me off the toilet and I went to the room. I was now leaning on the bed with my arms, holding on to one of Jim‘s hands for dear life. The contractions had changed from just intense contractions to pushes. Baby was soon going to be here! However, I had a really hard time squatting or spreading apart my legs in any manner, as it intensified the pain. Soon the backup m/w and student m/w arrived, and after a few more fetal heart rate checks and one internal, I was called fully dilated at 4:58 a.m.
I don’t know how he did it, but somehow Jim coaxed me on to the birthing stool from my standing position. At this point, I had no idea really what was going on and was just getting washed away with the labour. I had gone from vocalization to full-out screams at some point. (Our poor neighbours, I remember thinking.) Our m/w really pushed me to turn those screams into more grunts and to really start to push now, when my body told me to. I had Jim beside me, where I was mangling his hand, and he was helping support my back, another m/w behind me, giving me more back support because I needed to lean back, and another m/w catching the baby at the front, while another one was taking notes.
The pushes started coming and again, went very fast. By 5:10, baby had crowned. Tried to hold back as much as I could on the next one to avoid tearing. Within the next few pushes, baby was fully out by 5:12 and by 5:20 the placenta was out.
We did it!! It felt very surreal, but there was our baby! We basked for a bit and then Jim checked the sex -- another boy! Very cute and chubby and all-around amazing.
Then our doula arrived! She came up to the room, ready to help, not noticing that baby was there already. When we told her, we did it, she was completely shocked that everything was over so quickly. Although she missed the birth, I was so happy for her support after.
Then the hardest (or perhaps least rewarding) part came -- checking for tears. I had 2nd degree tears, although not too horribly bad. However, baby was born with his hand up by his head and had really scratched my internal labia coming out. I was still bleeding quite a bit and they had to keep soaking up the blood, but every time they touched me on the internal spots to soak up the blood, I almost died.
Finally, that was done. I had an extremely hard time peeing afterward, so after several times, I chose to get catheterized just to relieve the pressure from the bladder. When that was done, everyone packed up and went home, except for us -- we were already there!
It feels so unreal at this point. We are all seriously in love with our little Alexander, and Tommy is being the best big brother ever. Jim has been amazing and my in-laws came to visit, which helped out a lot, too.
We’re still sorting out middle name(s), but had settled on Alexander a few months ago. He’s feeding very well (was also in a hurry to nurse right away). He was born 7 lb 15 oz -- Tommy was 7 lb 15.5 oz. I swear, my uterus must have some sort of timer on it to eject before 8 lbs, for which I’m grateful!
Our little family is just right where I want to be.
And, for the first time in my blogging history, here are a few pictures of the last couple of months.
Lex's birthday
Brothers
Happy baby
Life with 2 kids is busy, but I just saw someone else's blog who has had twins and she is doing a great job of updating, which reminds me of how I should be doing it...and of how amazing it is to actually have those times to look back on. So the next couple of posts may be a combination of past, present and future ponderings.
We have a new member of the family. Here is how he arrived, his birth story, which I wrote the same day he arrived in this world.
Alexander’s Arrival
I had just finished my last full week at work, and Jim and Tommy had both finished recuperating from the flu on Friday night. After I arrived home, I had a good nap, woke up, hung out with Jim for a while (Tommy had already gone to bed) and then went to have a relaxing bath at around midnight.
Finally ended up in bed at around 1:00 a.m., Sat, Jan 17. At about 2:30 a.m., I poked Jim and told him to get a towel, as it felt like my waters were about to break. I had felt a little bit of a trickle, but couldn’t be sure if it was just excessive fluid or not.
We got up, went to the bathroom and determined that yup, my waters were breaking. Not gushing, but definitely breaking. Called our doula & m/w to give them the head’s-up. There weren’t any contractions and if this birth experience was anything like Tommy’s, they likely wouldn’t start for a few hours. On m/w’s instructions, headed back to bed to try to get a few more hours of precious sleep.
We laid down and I noticed a few short, light contractions beginning. Told Jim that I was going to squeeze his hand so we both would know what was going on as far as regularity & intensity. This went on fine for 10 or 15 minutes, then all of a sudden the contractions really started to intensify and I couldn’t stay in bed anymore.
Got out of bed and tried a bunch of different things, but standing was really all that was getting me through them at this point. Called both our doula and m/w again at around 3:15 a.m. M/w said she would be there in around 45 minutes and okayed my request to run a bath to try to help with the pain. We had actually been scheduled to pick up a birth pool later on that day, so thought that at least some form of water might help. But nope, there was naught to be done…as soon as I was off my feet, things were much harder.
So back on my feet I went. I found that leaning on a long dresser in the bedroom helped. I was having some trouble breathing through the contractions at this point. They were intense and extremely close together, so whenever I managed to get through one, I could take one or two breaths as it was subsiding and then the next would hit. So I started some crazy vocalizations, just low to med Oh’ing and Ah’ing. This helped with the breathing and also was a good cue for Jim to know when things were starting and ending.
At 4:10 a.m., the m/w arrived. She saw right away that things were far along and reminded me about the breathing. Checked fetal heart rate, which was good. Tried to get me to lie down for a quick check to see how far I was, but I refused, so she checked me standing up. It was about at this point that I started saying that the baby was coming and going to be here soon. She said she couldn’t feel the front of the cervix at all, but wasn’t sure about the back, so was calling it at about 7 c.m. Suggested that I try sitting on the toilet to get the back of the cervix out of the way, so I headed there while she called the student m/w and backup and told them to get here fast.
As soon as I sat on the toilet, I had one contraction that ended with an involuntary push. She quickly got me off the toilet and I went to the room. I was now leaning on the bed with my arms, holding on to one of Jim‘s hands for dear life. The contractions had changed from just intense contractions to pushes. Baby was soon going to be here! However, I had a really hard time squatting or spreading apart my legs in any manner, as it intensified the pain. Soon the backup m/w and student m/w arrived, and after a few more fetal heart rate checks and one internal, I was called fully dilated at 4:58 a.m.
I don’t know how he did it, but somehow Jim coaxed me on to the birthing stool from my standing position. At this point, I had no idea really what was going on and was just getting washed away with the labour. I had gone from vocalization to full-out screams at some point. (Our poor neighbours, I remember thinking.) Our m/w really pushed me to turn those screams into more grunts and to really start to push now, when my body told me to. I had Jim beside me, where I was mangling his hand, and he was helping support my back, another m/w behind me, giving me more back support because I needed to lean back, and another m/w catching the baby at the front, while another one was taking notes.
The pushes started coming and again, went very fast. By 5:10, baby had crowned. Tried to hold back as much as I could on the next one to avoid tearing. Within the next few pushes, baby was fully out by 5:12 and by 5:20 the placenta was out.
We did it!! It felt very surreal, but there was our baby! We basked for a bit and then Jim checked the sex -- another boy! Very cute and chubby and all-around amazing.
Then our doula arrived! She came up to the room, ready to help, not noticing that baby was there already. When we told her, we did it, she was completely shocked that everything was over so quickly. Although she missed the birth, I was so happy for her support after.
Then the hardest (or perhaps least rewarding) part came -- checking for tears. I had 2nd degree tears, although not too horribly bad. However, baby was born with his hand up by his head and had really scratched my internal labia coming out. I was still bleeding quite a bit and they had to keep soaking up the blood, but every time they touched me on the internal spots to soak up the blood, I almost died.
Finally, that was done. I had an extremely hard time peeing afterward, so after several times, I chose to get catheterized just to relieve the pressure from the bladder. When that was done, everyone packed up and went home, except for us -- we were already there!
It feels so unreal at this point. We are all seriously in love with our little Alexander, and Tommy is being the best big brother ever. Jim has been amazing and my in-laws came to visit, which helped out a lot, too.
We’re still sorting out middle name(s), but had settled on Alexander a few months ago. He’s feeding very well (was also in a hurry to nurse right away). He was born 7 lb 15 oz -- Tommy was 7 lb 15.5 oz. I swear, my uterus must have some sort of timer on it to eject before 8 lbs, for which I’m grateful!
Our little family is just right where I want to be.
And, for the first time in my blogging history, here are a few pictures of the last couple of months.
Lex's birthday
Brothers
Happy baby
Life with 2 kids is busy, but I just saw someone else's blog who has had twins and she is doing a great job of updating, which reminds me of how I should be doing it...and of how amazing it is to actually have those times to look back on. So the next couple of posts may be a combination of past, present and future ponderings.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Yippee! Progress!!
I mentioned last time that I was reading Birthing from Within. One of the exercises it suggests to practise pain-coping techniques is holding an ice cube in your hand (or putting it on your wrist) for 60 seconds while trying out the various techniques.
In our prenatal classes we took while pregnant with Tommy, we also had this exercise and I hated it. I am not good with cold on my hands at all, and I resented having to use this as a method to test the various techniques, as I can withstand other pain quite well.
Despite this, I decided to bite the bullet last night and just try it. So I got 2 ice cubes and lay down in bed. I figured that if it was horrible, there was no one to pressure me to continue except myself. and the first bite of pain was intense. But I focused on my breathing and made it through. Same with the next exercise and other hand. Eventually, I was holding the ice for 2 minutes. It was amazing! I couldn't believe that I could actually do this. I ended up melting both ice cubes completely before I went to sleep.
I am so proud of myself for this and it really boosts my confidence. There are other first-time moms that say they aren't worried about labour pain. I remember feeling the same way and when labour actually happened, it swept me off my feet. I want to have that confidence again, but I want it to be an informed confidence. And I feel that I've really made some progress towards this. I plan to keep doing these exercises each night.
We've also made some huge progress on the baby's room and downstairs. Most of the boxes are out of the baby's room or put away. All of the newborn clothes and blankets are washed and just need to be put away. We have some used sheets and towels for the labour, as well as a plastic shower curtain to lay on the bed. And Jim had a brilliant idea for rearranging the basement that makes it 100% better. Funny how inspiration for one area leads to another.
I have been taking 4 alfalfa caplets/day for the last week or so, too. Not really seeing significant differences in my left breast, but I think it might be helping with my right breast. And that fits with my strategy for bf'ing -- to maximize the supply from the right and just use the left as it provides. I need to order some nursing tea, too.
So, baby, we're getting ready for you! On the wistful side, I can't help but watch Tommy in these last few weeks and savour our moments as a family of 3. I am really so lucky and blessed.
In our prenatal classes we took while pregnant with Tommy, we also had this exercise and I hated it. I am not good with cold on my hands at all, and I resented having to use this as a method to test the various techniques, as I can withstand other pain quite well.
Despite this, I decided to bite the bullet last night and just try it. So I got 2 ice cubes and lay down in bed. I figured that if it was horrible, there was no one to pressure me to continue except myself. and the first bite of pain was intense. But I focused on my breathing and made it through. Same with the next exercise and other hand. Eventually, I was holding the ice for 2 minutes. It was amazing! I couldn't believe that I could actually do this. I ended up melting both ice cubes completely before I went to sleep.
I am so proud of myself for this and it really boosts my confidence. There are other first-time moms that say they aren't worried about labour pain. I remember feeling the same way and when labour actually happened, it swept me off my feet. I want to have that confidence again, but I want it to be an informed confidence. And I feel that I've really made some progress towards this. I plan to keep doing these exercises each night.
We've also made some huge progress on the baby's room and downstairs. Most of the boxes are out of the baby's room or put away. All of the newborn clothes and blankets are washed and just need to be put away. We have some used sheets and towels for the labour, as well as a plastic shower curtain to lay on the bed. And Jim had a brilliant idea for rearranging the basement that makes it 100% better. Funny how inspiration for one area leads to another.
I have been taking 4 alfalfa caplets/day for the last week or so, too. Not really seeing significant differences in my left breast, but I think it might be helping with my right breast. And that fits with my strategy for bf'ing -- to maximize the supply from the right and just use the left as it provides. I need to order some nursing tea, too.
So, baby, we're getting ready for you! On the wistful side, I can't help but watch Tommy in these last few weeks and savour our moments as a family of 3. I am really so lucky and blessed.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Christmas is put away
A-ha! See, I am here? This wireless thing must be working. (That and actually having a few days off to relax.) Jim and I just finished putting Christmas away -- the tree, the garlands, the lights, etc. The outdoor stuff still has to go, but it's minimal at this point.
Earlier today, I hauled some stuff out of the baby's room and attempted to go through clothes and organize what we have. Cause, you know, it's just really hit home that this baby is happening soon.
I've been reading the book Birthing from Within and there's a section in there that talks about confronting our fears when it comes to birthing. The book encourages you to give visual representation to this, which I may try to do. I've already identified the main focus of fear for me: control.
I am not good at surrendering control. Even in situations where I throw up my hands and say, "It's out of my control," I still try to craft something from it that I can control. I have delusions of grandeur, that I am in control of my world and my life. And when I find out that I'm not, it can take a while for me to adjust.
The problem is that I don't think I'm going to have time to adjust in labour. When Tommy was born and the pain felt out of control, I was in the hospital and had an epidural. I am choosing to forego that this time, partly to gain a measure of control in what procedures are performed. But I am also losing the control that I know I could lean on before.
I feel like this time it is going to be different, that labour is going to rush into me and possess my body. I am going to have to surrender sole control of my body and my emotions and co-exist with the forces of labour. I don't really think of the pain-coping techniques as being ways that I can control coping with pain, but instead learning ways of being that will assist me in existing harmoniously with labour.
Gradually, I am adjusting to this new mindset. Of being present, but swept along. Of a different power and ways of self-expression through this power. Of letting go of self-judgement and perceptions that box things out and instead having existing inside myself fully.
And instead of being scared of this, I am just beginning to view it as opportunity for all of those things. I can't imagine where else in life this opportunity exists as fully as it does during birth, but maybe I will find it again after I experience it. It feels like part of letting go is letting something new in. And letting something new in will bring new life into this world.
Earlier today, I hauled some stuff out of the baby's room and attempted to go through clothes and organize what we have. Cause, you know, it's just really hit home that this baby is happening soon.
I've been reading the book Birthing from Within and there's a section in there that talks about confronting our fears when it comes to birthing. The book encourages you to give visual representation to this, which I may try to do. I've already identified the main focus of fear for me: control.
I am not good at surrendering control. Even in situations where I throw up my hands and say, "It's out of my control," I still try to craft something from it that I can control. I have delusions of grandeur, that I am in control of my world and my life. And when I find out that I'm not, it can take a while for me to adjust.
The problem is that I don't think I'm going to have time to adjust in labour. When Tommy was born and the pain felt out of control, I was in the hospital and had an epidural. I am choosing to forego that this time, partly to gain a measure of control in what procedures are performed. But I am also losing the control that I know I could lean on before.
I feel like this time it is going to be different, that labour is going to rush into me and possess my body. I am going to have to surrender sole control of my body and my emotions and co-exist with the forces of labour. I don't really think of the pain-coping techniques as being ways that I can control coping with pain, but instead learning ways of being that will assist me in existing harmoniously with labour.
Gradually, I am adjusting to this new mindset. Of being present, but swept along. Of a different power and ways of self-expression through this power. Of letting go of self-judgement and perceptions that box things out and instead having existing inside myself fully.
And instead of being scared of this, I am just beginning to view it as opportunity for all of those things. I can't imagine where else in life this opportunity exists as fully as it does during birth, but maybe I will find it again after I experience it. It feels like part of letting go is letting something new in. And letting something new in will bring new life into this world.
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