Thursday, December 27, 2007

Bhutto assassinated

What a sad and scary event to mark the end of 2007. The death of a strong female leader, the upheaval of an already torn country. I'm still processing my thoughts on this. Right now, all I can do is feel -- anger, fear, sadness. And leave with some quotes from Benazir Bhutto.

*****

"I told him on my oath in his death cell, I would carry on his work." – Recalling a visit to her father, former Prime Minister Zulfikar Ali Bhutto, before his execution in 1979.

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"The primary message of the visit and the talks will be that freedom has returned to Pakistan. It is not only a success for the people of Pakistan but for all those who believe in freedom." – Preparing for a visit to the United States in 1989, a few months after she first took office as prime minister.

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"The voter has gotten more demanding. In 1988, the voters just wanted democracy. Our campaign was much more general then. Now we are more specific." – 1993 Associated Press interview on her ultimately successful bid for re-election. She had been ousted in 1990.

–––

"I always said that I was innocent and a victim of a politically motivated trial." – Commenting in 2001 when her 1999 conviction on corruption charges was suspended and a new trial ordered.

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"I haven't given myself away. I belong to myself and I always shall." – Vowing in 1987 that her arranged Islamic marriage to Karachi businessman Asif Ali Zardari would not upstage her political career.

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"Democracy needs support and the best support for democracy comes from other democracies. Democratic nations should ... come together in an association designed to help each other and promote what is a universal value – democracy." – 1989 speech at Harvard University.

–––

"We have to modify our campaign to some extent because of the suicide bombings. We will continue to meet the public. We will not be deterred." – In October, shortly after narrowly escaping a suicide bombing on her return to Pakistan from an eight-year exile.

For posterity's sake

Here is the note I posted to my friends on my forum & fb.

Christmas came early this year...

because I'm done my MBA!!!! And now that I'm done, here's where I'll say my many long-owed thank-yous.

It still hasn't entirely sunk in, but it's finished and I am officially an MBA grad. What a trip! I've learned so much in the last 4 years and met so many interesting people. I know I've subjected you guys to mostly rants, but I am really going to miss the vast diversity of people and making fabulous new friends. People from Korea, India, China, Netherlands, France, England, Australia, U.S., Mexico, Iran, Germany, Denmark, and I'm sure I'm missing a lot more places. From across all industries and vocations, too. What an amazing experience! And the profs, too, some of whom I know I'll stay in touch with for a long, long time. Such a total gift and privilege to be able to get to know them.

And YOU GUYS!!! Thank you SO much for being here for me--for letting me vent, answering questions, encouraging me when I was down, helping me in subject areas I was struggling, never tiring of filling out endless surveys. I owe you a big debt of gratitude and I won't forget it.

And to my friends, both on and off the board, thank you for understanding when I couldn't make it out to events and patiently waiting for me to finish. I can't wait to be in touch and visiting more often.

And finally to my family... My husband for many, many nights flying solo with the monkey and picking up the slack when it came to housework. And listening to me bitch. And bitch and bitch and bitch. Lol! And still loving me endlessly through it. My mom and my il's for understanding how tired I am and how things could be overwhelming. My brothers and sister, for not caring if their cards were several weeks or months late.

And my little man.... For all those times he helped drive me to school and for colouring in my textbooks and for distracting me from the pressure and reminding me of what is really important in life.

Gah...I don't know what I did to deserve it all, but THANK YOU.

As much as I can't wait to move on and have my time back again, I will never forget this chapter in my life.

Friday, December 21, 2007

Merry Christmas, RD & TP!!!

RD & TP: the two people I know who take the time to read my secret life. I'm so happy to know you guys in the blogsphere.

RD - You awake a side of me that had been sleeping for a while. Thank you for your always passionate view. Thank you for being honest with yourself and the world. Thank you for making me laugh at myself and you (ha ha -- couldn't resist that last one!).

TP - You bring a strength to me that I still can't find by myself. Thank you for being open and sharing your journey. Thank you for showing how believing in yourself means also believing in others. Thank you for being prettier than RD (ha again!).

Hope that you both have a wonderful holiday and many happy readings/writings for 2008!

G

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Hee. Tonight, the event of my 2nd-last week of classes, I did it. Previously, when other students had done it, I couldn't help thinking, Ugh, how undedicated. Tinged with some (okay, a lot) of envy. But tonight I did it.

I left on break and didn't look back. It's only taken 4 years for my rebellious side to emerge. (Hush, r - my thoughts on class have been rebellious for a while, but my actions have been proper.) Long live the skippers!


I was listening to NYT audio version this morning. Slightly cursing because I didn't have the latest news and was forced to listen to an old one that I hadn't finished yesterday. But then this incredible story caught my attention.

The story is about what NYT has dubbed it medicine's most famous feud and it involves two doctors -- Michael DeBakey and Denton Cooley. They were partners for a while in the 50s. Then they had a tiff and Cooley moved from their shared practice to a hospital.

From there, in 1969, Cooley commandeered an artificial heart from his former partner’s lab and implanted it in a patient at St. Luke’s. He claimed that it was to save a life, but incidentally it gave him the chance to go down in history as the first-ever use of a total artificial heart.

After that, it was a cold war between the two of them. But now they have reconciled and DeBakey was given a lifetime achievement award from Cooley's cardiac society. Apparently, the continuity of the reconciliation still rests on DeBakey reciprocating this act.

This is completely fascinating -- my voyeurigistic side is swept away, wondering what events led Cooley to commit his infracture, what DeBakey's involvement was, how their lives must have been led avoiding each other. There's a great story in here that I'd love to tell when I have time.

Here's a copy of the complete article from NYT.

What may be medicine’s most famous feud — and certainly one of its longest-lived — has apparently ended.

It involved two of the world’s greatest heart surgeons, Dr. Michael E. DeBakey and Dr. Denton A. Cooley. As partners, they pioneered operations at Baylor Medical College and Methodist Hospital in Houston in the 1950s that have stood the test of time.

But for 40 years, until a surprise reconciliation a month ago, these men with Texas-size egos exchanged few words, even on those rare occasions when they were in the same room.

Dr. DeBakey is now 99; Dr. Cooley is 87. Characteristically, they take starkly different views of the schism, with Dr. Cooley calling the short distance between their operating rooms “a demilitarized zone,” and Dr. DeBakey denying — implausibly, many say — that there even was a feud.

The breach began in 1960, when Dr. Cooley left Dr. DeBakey’s practice at Methodist and moved the few hundred yards to St. Luke’s Hospital, where he later established the Texas Heart Institute. But it was an incident in 1969 that turned the rift into a full-blown feud.

It happened when Dr. Cooley, without approval from Dr. DeBakey or Baylor, commandeered an artificial heart from his former partner’s lab and implanted it in a patient at St. Luke’s.

Over the years, Dr. DeBakey has called that first-ever use of a total artificial heart a theft, a betrayal, unethical and “a childish act” to claim a medical first. Dr. Cooley defended the implant as a desperate, if ultimately unsuccessful, act to save a life.

The American College of Surgeons censured Dr. Cooley. Baylor and the National Institutes of Health, which paid for the research to develop the artificial heart, ordered investigations. Baylor’s report was not made public, and the government’s findings cannot be found, spokeswomen for both institutions said.

The furor led Dr. Cooley to resign from Baylor.

The annals of medicine are full of feuds. For example, Dr. Robert C. Gallo, then of the National Cancer Institute in Bethesda, Md., and Dr. Luc Montagnier, of the Pasteur Institute in Paris, battled over credit for the discovery of the AIDS virus. The dispute had to be settled at the highest levels, with a resolution that declared the scientists co-discoverers coming in a joint announcement from President Ronald Reagan and the French prime minister, Jacques Chirac.

Still, the DeBakey-Cooley feud is hard to top, not just for longevity but for the sheer drama of the incident that set it off.

In those days, cardiac surgery was in many ways in its infancy. It was only in 1966 that Dr. DeBakey had been the first to successfully implant a partial artificial heart — a left ventricular assist device — in a patient.

As Dr. DeBakey, Dr. Cooley and others succeeded in operations that only a rare predecessor had dared to try, the need for a device that could pump for both ventricles — a total artificial heart — became more apparent.

The urgency became even greater in 1967, with the first human-to-human heart transplant in South Africa. That created the need for mechanical devices as a bridge to transplant, if not for permanent use.

The artificial heart was developed in Dr. DeBakey’s lab at Baylor, with funds from the National Heart Institute. It was a half-pound device of plastic and Dacron, linked by plastic tubes to a bedside control console.

How Dr. Cooley obtained the device is not exactly clear. But this much is undisputed: On April 4, 1969, Dr. Cooley implanted it in Haskell Karp, 47, from Skokie, Ill. Dr. Cooley had help from Dr. DeBakey’s artificial-heart technician, Dr. Domingo Liotta, who was said to have been frustrated by the limited time that he contended Dr. DeBakey put into the project.

The machine kept Mr. Karp alive for three days, longer than any animal in which it had been implanted. Dr. Cooley then issued a call for a human heart and transplanted it, according to Ruth SoRelle, a Baylor medical historian. Mr. Karp lived 36 more hours.

Dr. DeBakey had never sought approval to use the device in a patient, for lack of good experimental evidence that it worked even in calves. He learned about Dr. Cooley’s implant from colleagues in a meeting at the National Heart Institute.

Shocked and embarrassed that he knew nothing about the implant, Dr. DeBakey flew to Houston and began an investigation, saying Dr. Cooley’s unauthorized use of the device broke federal rules and jeopardized Baylor’s grants. (Dr. DeBakey was chancellor of the medical college.)

As Dr. DeBakey recalled in an interview last March, he refused to testify in the litigation that followed; he did not want his rival to be found guilty. “Much as I regretted what he did,” Dr. DeBakey said, “I didn’t think vengeance would solve anything.”

“He wanted to be able to say he was the first one to use an artificial heart in a patient,” Dr. DeBakey added. “I never quite understood it other than his ambition was almost uncontrolled. I mean, you don’t let your ambition get you in trouble.”

Even after their reconciliation last month, Dr. DeBakey said that Dr. Cooley had “disappointed me with his ethics” and “poor judgment” in doing the implant, which was “a little childish.”

Dr. Cooley, in an interview this month, said he “was justified” in what he did. In 1969, he added, he was performing more heart operations each year than Dr. DeBakey or anyone else, and so he considered himself “the appropriate person to do the first implantation of an artificial heart.”

Dr. Cooley recalled that a lawyer had once asked him during a trial if he considered himself the best heart surgeon in the world.

“Yes,” he replied.

“Don’t you think that’s being rather immodest?” the lawyer asked.

“Perhaps,” Dr. Cooley responded. “But remember I’m under oath.”

In the interview this month, Dr. Cooley said patriotism had also played a part: “It just sounds a little bit supercilious,” but “I did not want the Russians to beat us, as they had with Sputnik.”

(The first total artificial heart intended for permanent use was implanted in 1982 at the University of Utah; the recipient survived 112 days. Largely because of the furor surrounding the Baylor implant, the Food and Drug Administration and a university ethics committee took elaborate steps before approving the experimental use of the device. The agency has now approved marketing of newer versions of such devices.)

The heart surgeons’ reconciliation came a few days after Dr. DeBakey received the highest civilian award from Congress, its Gold Medal, for a host of towering achievements: he innovated surgical operations, helped to create the mobile military army surgical hospitals, or the MASH units, and was instrumental in molding the Veterans Administration medical system. In a ceremony Oct. 27 at St. Luke’s, Dr. DeBakey and Dr. Cooley warmly shook hands as Dr. DeBakey accepted a lifetime achievement award from the Denton A. Cooley Cardiovascular Surgical Society. Its members are mainly former trainees of Dr. Cooley, and the meeting was arranged shortly before the Congressional award.

A video of the meeting shows Dr. Cooley stepping down from the stage and kneeling next to Dr. DeBakey, who sat in a motorized scooter. Their words were cordial, even jovial. “It must be a heavy burden,” Dr. Cooley said in presenting the award, “for one person to be honored by a Congressional Gold Medal and membership in the Cooley Society all in one week.”

Dr. DeBakey said that since the United States Mint made the Congressional medal of pure gold, he assumed the Cooley award was the same. Dr. Cooley replied with a chuckle that his was 14 karat.

There was no mention of the artificial heart episode.

It was a moment many doctors had been waiting for. National surgical leaders had long tried to arrange a meeting, only to have plans collapse at the last minute when Dr. DeBakey canceled, said Dr. Kenneth L. Mattox, a DeBakey trainee who is chief of staff at Ben Taub General Hospital in Houston. He added that he and other organizers of the October meeting did not alert reporters, partly to avoid the potential embarrassment of another no-show, and that they did not know until the last minute whether Dr. DeBakey would appear.

Dr. Cooley, too, had sought a similar meeting for decades. In an interview last March, he asked this reporter to set up a meeting with Dr. DeBakey. Responding to that request, Dr. DeBakey called the very idea of a feud “a journalistic fabrication” but then declined the offer, saying such a meeting would only perpetuate the fabrication.

After the reconciliation, he said in an interview that “there was no reason to consider him an enemy” and “we have never had any bad words,” although “we haven’t had very much in the way of communication.”

Dr. DeBakey, who had a reputation for terrorizing co-workers who failed to meet his standards, has mellowed in recent years. He said he had decided to accept the award because “it just seemed to be a very kind thing that they did, and I should also be kind and accept it graciously.”

Dr. Cooley said the reconciliation should be good news for both surgeons’ hospitals and the Baylor Medical College. As they expand their facilities, he explained, many wealthy people with friends on both sides of the “rivalry, even enmity,” have had difficulty choosing where to donate.

“This may reassure them that our mission in our careers is similar, all for the betterment of humanity and for the institutions where we work,” he said. “The feud’s over, but I don’t anticipate that Dr. DeBakey and I will be warm close friends henceforth. But I’m sure both of us are going to go through the balance of our lives promoting the institutions to which we are connected.”

Dr. DeBakey is rehabilitating from major emergency surgery in February 2006 to repair a torn aortic aneurysm — a chest operation that he and Dr. Cooley had developed a half-century earlier. Dr. George Noon, one of Dr. DeBakey’s trainees, performed the surgery at Methodist Hospital. Dr. DeBakey remains mentally sharp and can walk for limited, though increasing, distances.

The illness provided Dr. Cooley with another opportunity to seek a rapprochement .

“Why carry on this so-called animosity into our graves?” Dr. Cooley said in an interview.

Soon after Dr. DeBakey went home from the hospital, Dr. Cooley said, he stopped by Dr. DeBakey’s house unannounced. Dr. DeBakey’s wife, Katrin, told him that Dr. DeBakey had not had a good day and was not available.

Dr. Cooley said he then wrote to Dr. DeBakey and explained that he wanted “a few minutes to pay my respects or at least reminisce about some of the events in our careers” and gave assurance that he “would be sure to make an appointment.”

Dr. DeBakey said in March that he knew Dr. Cooley had come by and sent a letter, but that he had not replied.

In the reconciliation meeting, Dr. Cooley told Dr. DeBakey he regretted that they had become so distant and hoped that the “temporary truce or cease-fire” they had reached in their “rivalry” and “small battle” would become permanent.

Dr. DeBakey said in March that although Dr. Cooley “may have considered me a rival, I never considered him a rival” because “I had all the patients I could handle and all the honors I could take care of.”

“He kind of suffered from the fact that I was considered more prestigious than he was,” Dr. DeBakey said.

Dr. DeBakey said that Dr. Cooley was “one of the best cardiovascular surgeons” he had ever seen, and that “almost all of my firsts were associated with him in those pioneering times.”

“If I had to have a serious operation other than what I had,” Dr. DeBakey added, “and I didn’t have a man like George Noon or one of my own people, he’d be the man I would like to do the operation because I have such great confidence in his surgical talent.”

Dr. O. H. Frazier, a cardiac surgeon at the Texas Heart Institute who trained under both Dr. DeBakey and Dr. Cooley, was among those who said they regarded the reconciliation as tentative until Dr. DeBakey’s society, as expected, reciprocates in honoring Dr. Cooley at its annual meeting next spring.

“I do hope it will stick then,” Dr. Frazier said.

http://www.nytimes.com/2007/11/27/health/27docs.html?pagewanted=1&adxnnlx=1196363516-9Z9u6e9oUhOIMUTzkX8T3w

Thursday, November 22, 2007

It's been way too long since I've visited here & I think I've even forgotten how to blog -- can't come up with a clever title for this post, anyways.

So, here are a few things happening right now:

  1. Mad rush to finish last semester of school -- EVER!
  2. 3 jobs in a period of 3 months. It's a good thing, except for being too busy.
  3. Husband is talking more about TTC again (no, not transit, the other TTC). I'm ready for another kid, but find myself wanting to work on weight loss. I guess I can do both.
  4. Monkey has declared he wants to be "a little fireman." He has good perspective on his place in the world.
  5. Need to start Christmas shopping aka mad torture in the mall time.
  6. Missing all my friends -- wah, I want to have some time for ME (and, therefore, them).
  7. Have discovered podcasts and audiobooks. I think I'm in looove.
  8. Barely staying on top of maintaining a clean home. This will change when done school, right?

So yup. I'm here, but no deep thoughts. My brain's too fried for that. Signing in to MBA-recovering class as of Jan 08.

Friday, October 19, 2007

The Sound of Music

Many people are surprised when I tell them that my undergrad degree was in two majors: English and music. They're not too surprised about the English, I do work in publishing after all, but they are surprised about the music. The usual question that follows is "What instrument do you play?" which is a natural reaction to learning about this side of me.

I generally reply that I play piano and let the conversation peter out after that. Most people assume that classical music is my repertoire. But while it is part of it, it is definitely not what I am most passionate about.

What I am passionate about is sound. I studied a variety of music courses, including improvisation and rhythm. The one that I most wanted to study, Sonic Healing, was never offered in my time at university. And it's the healing aspect of sound that fascinates me the most.

In Margaret Atwood's book, Oryx and Crake, she remarks on the healing power of a cat's purr. After reading that, I reflected on how much my cats' purrs did relax me. There are also some interesting studies of the healing impact of the purr on people that correlate its frequency with promotion of bone strength. One of the more interesting activities I did in school involved studying overtones and the different harmonics that could be produced that are not usually recognized.

The other night, I was preparing for an exam and stressed out by the noise surrounding me while studying. I took out my mp3 player and put on some mellow music. Within 15 minutes, I felt more relaxed than I had felt in days. (I don't often listen to music, as I don't drive and tend to have the TV on more than the radio at home.)

I think that we all have some subconscious sense of music making us feel better, exciting us, etc., but that the real sense of why this happens is buried deeply. When I get more time (when school is done), I can't wait to dive more deeply into this subject.

Thursday, October 4, 2007

Why?

Someone I know from my online community had a baby girl. The baby was born with her umbilical cord wrapped around her neck...and died 12 hours after birth.

Why do things like this happen? My friend is the nicest person and so excited about this baby. She had a home birth planned out (didn't happen) and had done so much research and planning. She has a boy who is a bit older than the monkey, too. How can she mourn and still take care of her son? Why was this taken from her and in such a cruel way?

Monday, September 24, 2007

Well, just when I'd decided to cut loose

I meant to come here and post an update about the monkey. He's still quite wonderful and funny. The other day at a baby shower, I told him that I had to go to the washroom, and he shouted, "Do you have to go pee, Mommy?" Then when I got back, he said in an equally loud voice, "Did you pee? Good job, Mommy!" He's got the bodily functions all down pat, except he doesn't want to engage in them himself. He's becoming more conversational and really lights up my life.

But there thing most occupying my mind now is work. Yup, just after I admitted that I was faking it -- not caring really as much as my fellow classmates on advancing up the corporate ladder -- things changed. I was offered a promotion at work for a mat leave.

The job wasn't quite what I'd want if I had my pick, but at the same time I thought I would be stupid to say no. I was somewhat excited about it. Then, the next week, someone else announced her resignation...from a job that I really wanted. And right after I'd signed the contract for job #1.

Now, the irony is that I'm equally qualified for both jobs. They are both within the same group, but my previous job was split in doing functions for both. Despite the fact that I felt honour-bound to fulfill the original job I had contracted for, I decided to speak up about my desire for job #2.

Here's the difference: job #1 works with quite a large budget in the customer retention area. All creative, premiums and market planning flow through it. However, it is a huge pita as far as everything else goes. This is because it is also responsible for correct fulfillment for every single shipment -- hundreds of thousands. And even though things may go wrong that are the responsibilities of other departments, they all end up back in your lap.

On the other hand, job #2 is quite independent. It is in the same area, but involves working on a quarterly magazine and the loyalty program. It also has quite a large budget to manage, but does not involve fulfillment. It's much more creative because it doesn't require tedious hours of planning and checking and re-checking plans. And it also is much easier for marketers within and outside of the company to understand.

My manager had told me that she "needed" me in job #1 when we heard for job #2, even though she said I'd be good at it. However, I suspect that her motivation for needing me there is more based on the fact that she doesn't want to have to deal with the shit work and knows that I'm competent enough to deal with it on my own. She tried to make it sound in my own best interest, as there are also more staff to manage in job #1, but I'm pretty sure that she's thinking about herself.

So I decided to think about myself, too. I booked an appointment with HR and told our representative that I really wanted job #2. I then told my manager. And the girl who is leaving job #2 has also recommended me to both HR and my manager. But I get the feeling that I'm not even being considered.

I also get the feeling that my manager is looking for jobs outside of the company. She's leaving often with vague reasons, and is quite dressed up most of the time she leaves; more dressed up than she is for work except for large meetings and presentations.

So here I am -- not faking it anymore, and feeling like things are going to be insane. I don't feel that I've been thoroughly trained for my new role. My manager hasn't paid attention to what the girl leaving job #2 does. (I've been told this by the girl leaving, and have seen it happen, too, to when I debriefed her on what was to be done with my former job.) The girl taking over my old responsibilities is not trained and deadlines are being missed already. And now my manager might be leaving. Chaos is about to ensue.

I don't want to deal with chaos. Especially when there will be no reward for dealing with it well. I just want things to go back the way they were and to stick to my original plan of leaving in January. Ugh...I'm obviously not faking it very well.

Friday, August 24, 2007

I love you, little one



The most amazing, tear-jerking thing happened tonight. My monkey read me the book, I Love You, Little One by Nancy Tafuri.

The book itself is gorgeous. In it, seven young creatures ask in turn a single, important question: "Do you love me, Mama?" The answer in each case is the same: "forever and ever and always," but it is preceded by different, lyrical similes. Mama Rabbit loves her baby "as the earth loves you, warm and snug around you, giving you a warm place to sleep"; Mama Mouse loves her child "as the wild rye loves you, gently swaying above you, giving you food and cover from harm." Finally, a human child asks the same question and is assured of a love that is as constant as the stars, "Forever, and ever, and always."

The monkey usually is anxious to see the pictures, so we skip over the detailed similes. So tonight he read each baby animal asking the question, "Do you love me, Mommy?" and then said, "Yes, I love you, little one" in response for each Mom. He even made the animal sounds (squeaks, quacks, hoots) that I make when I read the story to him. I was in tears by the time he was done.

Of course, though, this wasn't really done for me. I had been the hand puppeteer of his frog, who he had sitting with him while I was reading him another book (ouch, arm contortion) and then he wanted to read this book to froggie. But really, who cares. It's still the most amazing story I've ever heard.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Faking it

I've come to the conclusion that I've been faking it lately. This MBA thing, this career thing, this political correctness, life balance, identity thing. When people talk about career aspirations, I pretend enthusiasm. I am enthusiastic for them, but for me, I just don't care anymore.

What I do care about is having another child. About the one I have now. About my husband and my family. And I'm so worried that we might not be able to have another one. This is totally an unfounded fear right now. I have no just reason to point to, physically, to say that I won't be able to have another one. But I know so many women who have waited after their first one to get through a career or academic hurdle and been unsuccessful with their next one. Who are on their first, second, third round of IUI, their first, second third round of IVF. I can't help but think, will that be me?

And it's strange because I look at myself and can't really see where all of this emotion and doubt is coming from. It's not what I've ever previously defined myself as being. It makes me feel very insecure, but very free. Free in that I'm not bound by how others define me.

I don't think I will entirely give up career aspirations; I would be dreadfully bored staying where I am right now. But I can understand now how people can stay at the same job and not be consumed by boredom and doing the same thing, day in, day out.

Such a strange feeling to be on the other side of the fence, although I'm guessing this fence has more than two sides.

The little things

Saturday, at the Scarborough Town Centre:
"Let's all kiss!"

Tonight, on the last page of I Love You, Little One:
"The owl's mommy is going to work."

Frequently now:
"Oh look, he/she's soooo cute. I loooove it. Don't you love it?"

Such a big boy. So much love. So much happiness.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

Geekdom rising

A la sporting events, CBS will now begin broadcasting video game tournaments this Monday. Aside from the usual challenges of translating a new medium to television, programmers are hailing this as a potentially significant moment for television. And I guess it is.

Having grown up in the generation of kids where Pong launched a whole new definition of games, I can say with certainty that I understand part of the appeal of bringing tournaments to the mainstream. Too many nights spent in residence watching Golden Eye, Tekken and Resident Evil, not to mention late nights finishing Silent Hill, have engrained in me that rush felt when the impossible move is accomplished, whether it is player vs player or player vs machine.

It will be interesting to see how this catches on. Apparently Korea has 3 full-time video game stations...I wouldn't be surprised to see at least one spring up here, especially given the money that businesses would pay to target those those generations.

Pong: Ode to the first generation and a tip of the hat to okay to passenge's Blackle entry.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Are you talkin' to me?



I find this picture so sweet. They're standing so close together, with no regard to personal space, that it made wonder where the concept of personal space originated.

According to Wikipedia, the term personal space was first proxemics, and refers to the space around a person that she or he considers her or his domain. It is also highly variable -- people who live in more densely populated areas require less personal space than those who live in sparser ones.

It seems to me that in our Western world, personal space has become more strongly associated with the idea of ownership and protection of that:



By engaging in space politics, we miss out on some of the benefits of working with people; truly being part of a team; engaging in more than just shared work; failing to make real connections.

Granted, some people do have strong issues with having their personal space invaded, and those should be respected. But wouldn't not living in a bubble be a fresh way to go to work?

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Bahaha! Off-roading

As I said in my inaugural post, part of my motivation for creating this blog was to record the things that happen in my life -- many of them being monkey-centric. So the kid talk will be going on for a while, but I'll try to keep it from being overly mushy.



For the last month or so, I've been walking to day care with the monkey riding on one of those push tricyles.

It's been great! He has fun driving, has been learning left from right, and the smoothest parts of the curb.

For me, it cuts down on time a lot (no more lollygagging), especially when he demands that I go "Faster!" (I am raising a speed demon.)

This morning, we were 3/4 of the way to daycare when he decided to explore off-roading. First I thought he was just distracted and drove on the grass accidentally. This clearly was not the case when it happened 5 more times and he exclaimed, "That was FUN, Mommy!"

I cracked up -- how could I not? A 3-year-old, redheaded Evil Knievel buzzing up and down grassy banks with a Cheshire cat grin on his face on his red push tricycle is funny.

Like a bird, free

That's the song that was playing on my radio this morning when I woke up. (Knowing me, there were quite a few songs that I slept through beforehand so I believe this to be serendipitous.)

And I'm free after last night's exam!!!! No more conflicting feelings about leaving my family for schoolwork! Time to myself (look out HP7, here I come), time for my friends, to get back in shape, to just chill.

And yet...and yet...I do somewhat glimpse the adrenaline crash and depression that some colleagues have spoke of when being done. I'm hoping that this is just from being the first day without obligation this summer and that it will wear off in a day or two; in fact, I'm sure that is going to be it. Because I'm like a bird now.

This bird has so much space to explore

Monday, July 23, 2007

The Scorpion
October 24 to November 22


Traditional Scorpio Traits

Determined and forceful

Emotional and intuitive

Powerful and passionate

Exciting and magnetic


On the dark side....


Jealous and resentful

Compulsive and obsessive

Secretive and obstinate




Saturday, July 21, 2007

Panic

I am just realizing how much there is to know for my exam on Monday. Some rational corner of me realizes that it doesn't all have to be known, but the rest of the provinces in my brain are quite freaked by the amount of information.

If ever osmosis could be performed with information, now would be the time. Looks like it's back to 3 hours of sleep for me in the upcoming days.

Update 1

Still panicking. Worse, yet, thinking about all the implications here: 2 parties that I had to say no to, the monkey crying when I left, my husband resenting me for being gone. I gotta say, it's not worth it. At all.

Update 2

Just back from a dinner break with my husband and the monkey. My husband is mad at me. He didn't say so, but I can tell. I could barely get him to smile. I don't bother asking anymore if he's mad. It always leads to the same thing:

Me: "Are you mad at me?"

Him: "No."

Me: "Well, you seem angry."

Him: "I'm just tired of you doing stuff for school all the time."

Me: "I'm sorry. I wish I didn't have to and could spend more time with you and the monkey."

Him: "When are you done again?"

Me: "Soon."

Me: So you are mad at me. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to be doing this, either, but I need to finish it.

Sigh.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Smell the roses, tickle the trees

Smell the Roses

A while ago, I felt my heart break. I was in a rush for work and took the monkey to day care, which has all kinds of roses outside of the front door. We walked to the door together and as I prepared to ring the doorbell, he said, "I want to smell the flowers, Mommy."

"Not today, honey," I said to him, "Mommy's going to be late for work."

I picked him up as he tried to run off and he burst into tears. I handed him off to his auntie and walked briskly to my job.

When I arrived, I looked at my watch: 5 minutes early. 5 minutes early, I thought. Perfect. I won't get in trouble for being late.

Then, 5 minutes early. Why didn't I take the time to smell the roses with my beautiful son? What was so hard about letting him take pleasure in something so simple? Why was being on time for work more important than enjoying life?

And then, I decided. I will take time to do this. No questions asked, no turning back. And if anyone asks where I was if I'm late, I'll tell them. I was smelling the roses.

Tickle the Trees

Sometimes the monkey and I take the bus to day care. It's really too short of a distance for me to feel justified taking it regularly, but there are days when it's the right choice for us. And for him, it's an occasion: ring the bell, climb the stairs, greet the drive, pay the fare.

When it's not winter or wet, we take a shortcut to the bus. Instead of walking on the sidewalk to the stop, we walk down a grassy hill and through a small forest of trees on a well-worn footpath used by people not yet grown up enough to avoid off-road adventures.

One Bus Day, the monkey stopped short of the small forest of trees and made a scared face. His scared face is not the face of someone who is truly terrified. He pushes his chin out and his lips into a straight line, and grows his eyes big.

I know that it's not a truly terrified face because he makes this scared face when he's playing with his dinosaurs and trucks, too. He is pretending to be scared and moments from then he is laughing or attacking T-Rex and tanker truck.

Nonetheless, he made his scared face at the small forest for the first time. "Pick up, Mommy?" he asked and stretched his arms up.

"What's wrong, monkey?" I said, picking him up.

The scared face appeared again and he pointed toward the trees. They say that this happens sometimes. That children develop sudden aversions or fears towards things for unusual reasons. It could be from something they have seen or something they have heard or for no reason at all.

"Are you afraid of the trees?"

Scared face and nodding from him.

I know that he loves to tickle people, so I told him, "You don't need to be afraid of the trees. Here, let's tickle this one."

I reached over and tickled the tree's leaves. He did the same.

"Ho, ho, hee, hee," said the tree.

The monkey giggled and tickled again.

"Ho, ho, ho! Hee, hee, you're tickling me!" the tree exclaimed.

And down the path we went, him tickling the trees and the trees laughing in return.

Now he rushes towards the trees, proclaiming, "Tickle, tickle, trees!" and loving every moment of it.

I have some trees in my life that definitely need tickling. Things that I am afraid of for no real reason when I think about it. And things that would probably laugh in return if I tickled them. I'm working on finding the courage to tickle them, one by one, but I'm not as brave as the monkey. Someday soon, they'll laugh with me, I hope.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Unrequited Dreams

I'm sad that one of my friends might not be able to fulfill her dream of having a child. She would be such a fantastic mom and deserves all the joy that motherhood brings.

I guess that we will all have unrequited dreams throughout our lives. As our lives change, sometimes the drive to attain those dreams dwindles or is used elsewhere for new dreams.

But I wonder, do those unrequited dreams always linger on in some part of us? Or do we find joy in the dreams that we have fulfilled, whether intentionally or unintentionally, and does that joy simply make us content to look back fondly and cherish the dreams that will never be, but that seemed so real?

Saturday, June 9, 2007

Family Law

Just finished the Family Law unit in Personal Finance. Wow, is it complex. It also makes me slightly worried for friends that are living but not married to their partners.

One other thing stands out: child support encompasses post-secondary education; yet, there is no obligation to pay for post-secondary education in a regular family unit. It's funny how the government regulates some things where normally they are none of its business.

Procrastinating

So here I sit, procrastinating. I'm supposed to be studying for Personal Finance and/or writing a Brand Extensions assignment. But it's my 6th anniversary, and I'm distracted.

I saw Spidey 3 last night with my husband and we quite enjoyed it. The critics definitely did it a disservice by trashing it so thoroughly in the reviews. Unlike its predecessors, it was a lovely mix of heavy and light emotions. The special fx weren't great, but the story pushed the characters to depths that the others didn't.

We left the monkey with his grandparents and stayed at our place for the night. Had a lovely morning, just being with each other, then he went up north again. So here I am, trying to learn and all I can think of is the Swiss Chalet dinner they'll be having tomorrow. I'm sure if I got some food into me, I'd be able to concentrate much more. Maybe I'll make a quick & easy smoothie.

p.s. I have baby fever. I've thought about another kid for a while and it's been a warm, fuzzy feeling. Now I see pics of wee ones and I crave. Oh, it'll be a long 6 months. Hurry up, 2008!

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Inaugural Entry

Lots of people I know had been blogging for a while, but I didn't see the appeal. I didn't really want people to know my inner thoughts.

Just the other day, though, a friend experienced a life-changing event. I flipped through her blog and it really hit me hard how nice it was for her to have all those memories recorded in her blog.

Life seems to be flying by faster every day; in the future, I'm sure I won't remember what it was like to be who I am right now, even though I'll know the concrete events that have happened. I also want to be able to record the wonderful things that my family and friends are doing.

So here it is -- the Secret Life of Gayle.