Buzzing around

I swear, every time I feel like I am in a rhythm with blogging, something seems to disrupt me. It's almost like when you're determined to get back to the gym and feel great about going for a few days and then are stuck in meetings for the rest of the week. But you just keep plugging away, hoping one day you'll get it. Whether it is a great body or a great blog, it doesn't matter.

I was chatting to my girlfriends in my online community. A few of them hit the nail on the head as for what I've been feeling: Burnout

In short, the signs of burnout tend to be more mental than physical. They can include feelings of:

Powerlessness Hopelessness Emotional exhaustion Detachment Isolation Irritability

Frustration Being trapped Failure Despair Cynicism Apathy

Let's see: check, check, check...oh yeah, big check on that irritability factor. Being crusty is something that is new to me, and that I've disliked in other people, but noticed myself creepily enjoying.

So the girls say to make sure to treat yourself to something good every day. I don't feel that I have time to do that, really. I can't just conk out for an hour to go and catch up on the latest celebrity goss, or whatever treating yourself is. But I've been slowly trying to give myself a bit of time. In fact, I've quite literally recognized that I will go crazy if I don't.

Oy. So back to buzzing around. I am finding things a bit more easier this past week or so. My body is starting to recognize that it can have some relaxation time on the weekends. That I don't have to push and push all the time. And while this outer stress dissolves, my inner balance seems to become a bit more settled.

All right, time to hit the showers. That was a good workout. Thanks for pacing me.

Life after MBA

Life after MBA is definitely a strange and good place to be. I guess that technically, it's not entirely started yet because according to my friends still in school, classes aren't beginning until next week, but mentally I'm in the post era.

I'm not really doing anything radically different. Most of my time is being spent doing lots of cleaning. Digging my desk out from under the mounds of paper that accumulate in the end-of-semester frenzy. Actually putting away my clean clothes instead of piling them up (hey, they were in neat piles, at least!). Clearing off our kitchen table so that we can attempt eating there again instead of shoving food in our face in front of the t.v. Purging the bottom kitchen cupboards and making them functional for all the cooking and baking I now have time to do.

I must sound like such a slob -- if it's any better, just call it being human. ;)

Just after we came home from being up north for the holidays, the video card on our computer bit the dust. Luckily, all the stuff on the hard drive was fine. This was a tad ironic, as it's the computer that we bought when I started my MBA. It lasted for a good 4 years, so we decided to purchase a new one and transfer the hard drive onto a portable drive. Still working on getting the new one up and running with all of my preferred settings.

The most exciting thing, to me: I bought a keyboard!

It's only 61 keys, as opposed to 88 keys, which I'd been holding out for, but the price tag was so much lower than the 88 keys, I decided to go for it and I'm really glad that I did. Most of what is missing are the lower keys, but there is definitely enough here to satisfy my needs for now.

I've only had it set up for a couple of days, but it has already shown me that it's part of what I've really been missing. I'm not a huge t.v. watcher, but don't always have the mindset to read a book so I'd been substituting my piano time with time on the computer. While that has been fine, it hasn't left me feeling nearly as balanced as playing has. I'm a bit of an information junkie and could keep surfing all night long just reading more and more without ever feeling satisfied. In contrast, I derive such a sense of inner peace, an emotional connection, that I feel much more fulfilled and at balance with the world.

The keyboard also comes with a training program, Yamaha-style, that I want to explore. I was trained in the classical method and then completely broken reign with that at York and studied post-modern music. I think that any learning method adds value. It also has MIDI capability, and I would like to use that to begin composing again.

And in keeping with my previous entry on the effect of sound, I am going to pick up this book:

From the publisher:

In this groundbreaking union of art and science, rocker-turned-neuroscientist Daniel J. Levitin explores the connection between music--its performance, its composition, how we listen to it, why we enjoy it--and the human brain. Drawing on the latest research and on musical examples ranging from Mozart to Duke Ellington to Van Halen, Levitin reveals:

-How composers produce some of the most pleasurable effects of listening to music by exploiting the way our brains make sense of the world
-Why we are so emotionally attached to the music we listened to as teenagers, whether it was Fleetwood Mac, U2, or Dr. Dre
-That practice, rather than talent, is the driving force behind musical expertise
-How those insidious little jingles (called earworms) get stuck in our heads

And, taking on prominent thinkers who argue that music is nothing more than an evolutionary accident, Levitin argues that music is fundamental to our species, perhaps even more so than language. This Is Your Brain on Music is an unprecedented, eye-opening investigation into an obsession at the heart of human nature.

Exciting times!

For posterity's sake

Here is the note I posted to my friends on my forum & fb.

Christmas came early this year...

because I'm done my MBA!!!! And now that I'm done, here's where I'll say my many long-owed thank-yous.

It still hasn't entirely sunk in, but it's finished and I am officially an MBA grad. What a trip! I've learned so much in the last 4 years and met so many interesting people. I know I've subjected you guys to mostly rants, but I am really going to miss the vast diversity of people and making fabulous new friends. People from Korea, India, China, Netherlands, France, England, Australia, U.S., Mexico, Iran, Germany, Denmark, and I'm sure I'm missing a lot more places. From across all industries and vocations, too. What an amazing experience! And the profs, too, some of whom I know I'll stay in touch with for a long, long time. Such a total gift and privilege to be able to get to know them.

And YOU GUYS!!! Thank you SO much for being here for me--for letting me vent, answering questions, encouraging me when I was down, helping me in subject areas I was struggling, never tiring of filling out endless surveys. I owe you a big debt of gratitude and I won't forget it.

And to my friends, both on and off the board, thank you for understanding when I couldn't make it out to events and patiently waiting for me to finish. I can't wait to be in touch and visiting more often.

And finally to my family... My husband for many, many nights flying solo with the monkey and picking up the slack when it came to housework. And listening to me bitch. And bitch and bitch and bitch. Lol! And still loving me endlessly through it. My mom and my il's for understanding how tired I am and how things could be overwhelming. My brothers and sister, for not caring if their cards were several weeks or months late.

And my little man.... For all those times he helped drive me to school and for colouring in my textbooks and for distracting me from the pressure and reminding me of what is really important in life.

Gah...I don't know what I did to deserve it all, but THANK YOU.

As much as I can't wait to move on and have my time back again, I will never forget this chapter in my life.

Hee. Tonight, the event of my 2nd-last week of classes, I did it. Previously, when other students had done it, I couldn't help thinking, Ugh, how undedicated. Tinged with some (okay, a lot) of envy. But tonight I did it.

I left on break and didn't look back. It's only taken 4 years for my rebellious side to emerge. (Hush, r - my thoughts on class have been rebellious for a while, but my actions have been proper.) Long live the skippers!

It's been way too long since I've visited here & I think I've even forgotten how to blog -- can't come up with a clever title for this post, anyways.

So, here are a few things happening right now:

1. Mad rush to finish last semester of school -- EVER!
2. 3 jobs in a period of 3 months. It's a good thing, except for being too busy.
3. Husband is talking more about TTC again (no, not transit, the other TTC). I'm ready for another kid, but find myself wanting to work on weight loss. I guess I can do both.
4. Monkey has declared he wants to be "a little fireman." He has good perspective on his place in the world.
5. Need to start Christmas shopping aka mad torture in the mall time.
6. Missing all my friends -- wah, I want to have some time for ME (and, therefore, them).
7. Have discovered podcasts and audiobooks. I think I'm in looove.
8. Barely staying on top of maintaining a clean home. This will change when done school, right?

So yup. I'm here, but no deep thoughts. My brain's too fried for that. Signing in to MBA-recovering class as of Jan 08.

The Sound of Music

Many people are surprised when I tell them that my undergrad degree was in two majors: English and music. They're not too surprised about the English, I do work in publishing after all, but they are surprised about the music. The usual question that follows is "What instrument do you play?" which is a natural reaction to learning about this side of me.

I generally reply that I play piano and let the conversation peter out after that. Most people assume that classical music is my repertoire. But while it is part of it, it is definitely not what I am most passionate about.

What I am passionate about is sound. I studied a variety of music courses, including improvisation and rhythm. The one that I most wanted to study, Sonic Healing, was never offered in my time at university. And it's the healing aspect of sound that fascinates me the most.

In Margaret Atwood's book, Oryx and Crake, she remarks on the healing power of a cat's purr. After reading that, I reflected on how much my cats' purrs did relax me. There are also some interesting studies of the healing impact of the purr on people that correlate its frequency with promotion of bone strength. One of the more interesting activities I did in school involved studying overtones and the different harmonics that could be produced that are not usually recognized.

The other night, I was preparing for an exam and stressed out by the noise surrounding me while studying. I took out my mp3 player and put on some mellow music. Within 15 minutes, I felt more relaxed than I had felt in days. (I don't often listen to music, as I don't drive and tend to have the TV on more than the radio at home.)

I think that we all have some subconscious sense of music making us feel better, exciting us, etc., but that the real sense of why this happens is buried deeply. When I get more time (when school is done), I can't wait to dive more deeply into this subject.

Faking it

I've come to the conclusion that I've been faking it lately. This MBA thing, this career thing, this political correctness, life balance, identity thing. When people talk about career aspirations, I pretend enthusiasm. I am enthusiastic for them, but for me, I just don't care anymore.

What I do care about is having another child. About the one I have now. About my husband and my family. And I'm so worried that we might not be able to have another one. This is totally an unfounded fear right now. I have no just reason to point to, physically, to say that I won't be able to have another one. But I know so many women who have waited after their first one to get through a career or academic hurdle and been unsuccessful with their next one. Who are on their first, second, third round of IUI, their first, second third round of IVF. I can't help but think, will that be me?

And it's strange because I look at myself and can't really see where all of this emotion and doubt is coming from. It's not what I've ever previously defined myself as being. It makes me feel very insecure, but very free. Free in that I'm not bound by how others define me.

I don't think I will entirely give up career aspirations; I would be dreadfully bored staying where I am right now. But I can understand now how people can stay at the same job and not be consumed by boredom and doing the same thing, day in, day out.

Such a strange feeling to be on the other side of the fence, although I'm guessing this fence has more than two sides.

Like a bird, free

That's the song that was playing on my radio this morning when I woke up. (Knowing me, there were quite a few songs that I slept through beforehand so I believe this to be serendipitous.)

And I'm free after last night's exam!!!! No more conflicting feelings about leaving my family for schoolwork! Time to myself (look out HP7, here I come), time for my friends, to get back in shape, to just chill.

And yet...and yet...I do somewhat glimpse the adrenaline crash and depression that some colleagues have spoke of when being done. I'm hoping that this is just from being the first day without obligation this summer and that it will wear off in a day or two; in fact, I'm sure that is going to be it. Because I'm like a bird now.

This bird has so much space to explore

Panic

I am just realizing how much there is to know for my exam on Monday. Some rational corner of me realizes that it doesn't all have to be known, but the rest of the provinces in my brain are quite freaked by the amount of information.

If ever osmosis could be performed with information, now would be the time. Looks like it's back to 3 hours of sleep for me in the upcoming days.

Update 1

Still panicking. Worse, yet, thinking about all the implications here: 2 parties that I had to say no to, the monkey crying when I left, my husband resenting me for being gone. I gotta say, it's not worth it. At all.

Update 2

Just back from a dinner break with my husband and the monkey. My husband is mad at me. He didn't say so, but I can tell. I could barely get him to smile. I don't bother asking anymore if he's mad. It always leads to the same thing:

Me: "Are you mad at me?"

Him: "No."

Me: "Well, you seem angry."

Him: "I'm just tired of you doing stuff for school all the time."

Me: "I'm sorry. I wish I didn't have to and could spend more time with you and the monkey."

Him: "When are you done again?"

Me: "Soon."

Me: So you are mad at me. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to be doing this, either, but I need to finish it.

Sigh.

Family Law

Just finished the Family Law unit in Personal Finance. Wow, is it complex. It also makes me slightly worried for friends that are living but not married to their partners.

One other thing stands out: child support encompasses post-secondary education; yet, there is no obligation to pay for post-secondary education in a regular family unit. It's funny how the government regulates some things where normally they are none of its business.

Procrastinating

So here I sit, procrastinating. I'm supposed to be studying for Personal Finance and/or writing a Brand Extensions assignment. But it's my 6th anniversary, and I'm distracted.

I saw Spidey 3 last night with my husband and we quite enjoyed it. The critics definitely did it a disservice by trashing it so thoroughly in the reviews. Unlike its predecessors, it was a lovely mix of heavy and light emotions. The special fx weren't great, but the story pushed the characters to depths that the others didn't.

We left the monkey with his grandparents and stayed at our place for the night. Had a lovely morning, just being with each other, then he went up north again. So here I am, trying to learn and all I can think of is the Swiss Chalet dinner they'll be having tomorrow. I'm sure if I got some food into me, I'd be able to concentrate much more. Maybe I'll make a quick & easy smoothie.

p.s. I have baby fever. I've thought about another kid for a while and it's been a warm, fuzzy feeling. Now I see pics of wee ones and I crave. Oh, it'll be a long 6 months. Hurry up, 2008!