Christmas is put away

A-ha! See, I am here? This wireless thing must be working. (That and actually having a few days off to relax.) Jim and I just finished putting Christmas away -- the tree, the garlands, the lights, etc. The outdoor stuff still has to go, but it's minimal at this point.

Earlier today, I hauled some stuff out of the baby's room and attempted to go through clothes and organize what we have. Cause, you know, it's just really hit home that this baby is happening soon.

I've been reading the book Birthing from Within and there's a section in there that talks about confronting our fears when it comes to birthing. The book encourages you to give visual representation to this, which I may try to do. I've already identified the main focus of fear for me: control.

I am not good at surrendering control. Even in situations where I throw up my hands and say, "It's out of my control," I still try to craft something from it that I can control. I have delusions of grandeur, that I am in control of my world and my life. And when I find out that I'm not, it can take a while for me to adjust.

The problem is that I don't think I'm going to have time to adjust in labour. When Tommy was born and the pain felt out of control, I was in the hospital and had an epidural. I am choosing to forego that this time, partly to gain a measure of control in what procedures are performed. But I am also losing the control that I know I could lean on before.

I feel like this time it is going to be different, that labour is going to rush into me and possess my body. I am going to have to surrender sole control of my body and my emotions and co-exist with the forces of labour. I don't really think of the pain-coping techniques as being ways that I can control coping with pain, but instead learning ways of being that will assist me in existing harmoniously with labour.

Gradually, I am adjusting to this new mindset. Of being present, but swept along. Of a different power and ways of self-expression through this power. Of letting go of self-judgement and perceptions that box things out and instead having existing inside myself fully.

And instead of being scared of this, I am just beginning to view it as opportunity for all of those things. I can't imagine where else in life this opportunity exists as fully as it does during birth, but maybe I will find it again after I experience it. It feels like part of letting go is letting something new in. And letting something new in will bring new life into this world.