It's been far too long

Dear blog,

It has been far too long since I've posted and I can't even begin to go back and record those things that I've missed. In fact, right now I'm posting courtesy of the wireless keyboard and mouse that we received this Christmas. Maybe these will lead to more regular posting -- assuming, that is , that being able to be slightly more lazy/comfortable while posting is a panacea for lack of blogliness. Regardless, rather than chronicling all that has occurred in the past few months, I am instead going to try to capture where I am right now.


I am quite far along in this pregnancy -- 35 weeks to be precise. And do I ever feel big! I am pretty sure that at this point, I am bigger than I was with Tommy. Or maybe I'm just having trouble remembering back that far. Lots more aches and pains this time, perhaps attributable to age or not being in as good a shape as I was with Tommy. And the pressure -- oy! I am hopeful that the pressure means that my chances of a VBAC are increased.

Speaking of VBAC, I am now under the care of midwives rather than my family doctor. It was a very hard decision to make, but my doctor was toeing the line at policies so much that it was causing me a lot of stress about how labour would be occurring and I decided to try if midwives would be available. I was lucky and managed to get in immediately at about 32 weeks. And now I've gone from worrying about whether or not I'll have continual EFM in a hospital setting to planning to have this baby at home! Jim and I are very excited about this and it seems almost surreal that it could be happening in a month's time. It has definitely energized my journey and given me something to look forward to rather than something to be apprehensive about. My friend, Caroline, is going to be my doula, too, so we will have a lot of support from people who are knowledgeable and supportive. It is really evoking a "yes, I can" attitude on my part rather than worrying about how best to manage a situation out of my control.

The irony in my feelings doesn't escape me, as the "situation out of control" is part of what has led to the medicalization of birth and the policies surrounding it. I believe that individually doctors have their patients' best intentions at heart, but collectively it becomes impersonal and overbearing and I am so glad to have the opportunity to put that behind.

What else is new? I had my whole family (except Steve & Crys) over for Boxing Day at our house. There was a big hurdle to actually get them down, but I'm hoping that now that they've done it once that it may happen again in the future. Work has been a strain for the last few months and between that and the more taxing demands of pregnancy has been a big part of the reason for my inner retreat. I need to reconnect with a lot of friends and the onus for that rests squarely on my shoulders. I hope I haven't burned too many bridges or lost too many friends by being less than communicative.

So that's it, in a nutshell. Tommy is wonderful, Jim is amazing. I am a very lucky person. Sure, nothing is 100% perfect, but being surrounded by people who care about me is pretty wonderful.
Anyways, hopefully I'll be able to sort out this newfangled technology and get things going again here, both on my own blog and visiting the people who've come to see me.

xo G

Thump, thump... Who's there?

Squirt is now giving me some regular taps to say hello. It is nice to have this bit of reassurance.

First day of kindergarten!

I can hardly believe it...my baby had his first day of kindergarten today. He was so excited about it.
He came home with a name tag on his shirt, but I'm hoping that he won't need a name tag every day for the teacher to know who he is. Ha ha. I'm sure his red hair will distinguish him.

If there ever was a sweet clown, it's Tommy. Today when we went to pick him up, he was playing all by himself in the sandbox. I felt a little bad that he wasn't interacting with the other kids, then I looked around and saw that all of the other kids were playing by themselves, too. And when he saw me, he just about shrieked for joy. But tomorrow I know that he'll be excited to go to school again.

Does it get any better than this? I have a hard time believing it does.

As for Squirt, it was a bit of a worrisome day today. I believe I lost some of my mucus plug over the last couple of days. It's way too early for that to happen. The doctor thinks its from something related to BM, but I'm not convinced. I just hope that Squirt stays put for a bit longer.

Matching Boo-boos

"Mommy, we have matching boo-boos," said Tommy on our way to his school/daycare today. What a sweetheart. I had barely taken the time to notice the scratch on my hand (don't even know how it got there). But he saw it and asked over and over if it hurt and if I was okay. Then he showed me his scratch and told me we matched.

How do kids even see this stuff? I'm sick as a dog, worried about missing work, and about Squirt on her way. I don't have time to notice a matching boo-boo. Or maybe I do, but there's just too much other stuff going on.

Either way, it's nice to know that someone cares. I've got to say, he is the sweetest boy ever. I have never seen a kid so concerned about other people. I hope he stays that way.

VBAC Hurdle #1

I've decided to go for a VBAC for Squirt. (VBAC stands for Vaginal Birth After Cesarean) And as usual, I'm not going halfway about it. I don't consider it a "nice idea" -- it is something that I really want to do and yes, I'll say it, succeed at.

Many people say that any birth where mom and babe come out health is a successful birth, and I don't have any qualms agreeing with that. But I do think that I can define my own success, too, and I have had the experience of a c-section (unplanned) with a healthy baby. I don't think of that birth as a failure -- far from it. It brought me a wonderful son, whom I love more than the world. But it also had side effects that I want to avoid, including difficulty with breastfeeding. This may have happened regardless, but I am certain it was compounded by the surgery and additional fluids I had while in hospital.

This time, I want to do all I can to have a VBAC. Not to correct things from my last birth. My primary reason for this is because I don't want to have elective surgery. My motivation to succeed at the VBAC comes from wishing to gain what I strongly believe I can have with this birth.

I had begun doing some research and ordered these from Indigo.ca:

A little more "earthy-birthy" than my natural inclinations, but full of useful information.

One thing I had already decided was that I did not want continuous electronic fetal monitoring. I had a rotten experience with Tommy with cEFM. My waters broke spontaneously with him and we waited until contractions were 3 minutes apart and lasting 60 seconds. When we arrived at triage, there were no beds available. The nurses strapped the cEFM to me and I laboured in an uncomfortable, stiff, wooden waiting-room chair for a good half an hour.

Imagine having your worst menstrual cramps or a horrible stomach flu or migraine. Then imagine being forced to sit in a chair with a heavy device strapped around your stomach -- exactly where you feel the pressure and the most important place to have unrestricted movement in order to cope with the pain. That is cEFM.

The hurdle is that cEFM is recommended by the SOGC for VBACs because of the risk of uterine rupture. Changes to the fetal heartbeat are an early indicator of rupture. And these changes can be caught by cEFM.

On the other hand, cEFM is also highly correlated with the incidence of c-section. Natural pain management is difficult with cEFM, which can lead to higher rates of interventions and ultimately a c-section delivery. cEFM also makes it difficult for Stage 2 (the pushing stage) as it limits your positions, which can also lead to a c-section.

So it's a Mexican stand-off, impacted by guilt and fear that refusing cEFM will lead to injury and possibly death for mom and babe. The chance of uterine rupture? Less than 0.5%. In fact, there are just as many risks for non-VBAC births that are not termed high risk.

There is an alternative: intermittent monitoring. This involves periodic monitoring, as opposed to continual. So rather than having a constant ticker of patterns, there are individual snapshots. This is the alternative that I wish to have.

Last Friday, I had a doctor's appointment and mentioned that I wanted this alternative for my birth. My doctor bluntly told me that it was policy at the hospital she delivers at for cEFM for VBAC, as all VBACs are termed high risk. I was taken aback. My doctor has always seemed supportive of natural births. I believe she had two home births herself. So this lack of flexibility stunned and upset me.

I considered arguing, but didn't anticipate her positioning and couldn't find the right words and emotional space to do it in. Something else happened in the appointment and when I finally came out to meet my dh, who was there to pick me up, I couldn't hold back the tears. I felt so defeated before I even began.

I came home and crashed in our bed. I needed time to myself to recover. I posted my experience on my board and learned that someone else who had delivered at the same hospital with midwives had received intermittent monitoring.

I am trying to contact a few midwifery clinics. I don't feel strongly one way or the other about a doctor vs a midwife. But I do feel strongly about cEFM. It's something I don't think I can remain indifferent to and need to do something at this stage. Whether it's pushing my doctor and refusing cEFM regardless of policy. Or switching care providers.

I hadn't pictured being in this position, having to choose between providers to get the birth that I want, but am finding myself stronger and more passionate about it than I ever imagined.

Mama Mia!

That is Monkey's new name for me: Mama Mia! Said with an impish grin on his face. He totally knows that he's being silly when he says it. It's so cute, I love it.

My "mama mia!" moment is the realization that I'm almost halfway through this pregnancy. It seems like it has happened so fast. And although maternity won't be a total lark, I am looking forward to it. I feel really tired lately and still question whether I am burned out from school. (This I suspect because anytime someone mentions training courses, I am immediately turned off.)

Squirt seems to enjoy hanging out on my right-hand side. I was in the gym today and on the recumbent bike, I felt a good swift kick to the RH side of my cervix-- OW! I don't remember Monkey ever kicking me down there like that.

I feel a little lonely this time, too. Hubby is excited, but we are both busy with reno's and Monkey. And I don't get out to see my friends as much as I did when I was pg with Monkey. I hope that I don't feel lonely when Squirt gets here. This time I know to plan a lot more excursions regardless of the crying. Well, truth be told, I knew that last time but just couldn't bring myself to do it if Monkey cried. I guess this is already a bit of the difference in birth order emerging.

So busy my head is spinning

Quite literally. It has been insanely busy at work lately. I wish that I had someone who I could split my workload with, but nobody else is trained on my material.

However, there is a part of me that likes the challenge. I am always amazed at how much I can get done in a short amount of time if I put my mind to it. It feels like being a conductor, pointing to this musician, that musician, the next, and making everything come together. A little drunk on the exhilaration; focused on details but with things moving so fast that I'm not bogged down, just able to succumb to the music and let it flow.